*-. Lately .-*

I recently stopped going to my therapist. Kind of like seeing what happens when the training wheels come off. Surprisingly, I've been managing things much better than I thought. The change happens slowly. I feel like I used to expect that, one day, I would wake up everything would be different, fixed. I would never feel lonely, or guilty. I would be organized. I would have this great self esteem all the time. But the changes happen so gradually. And I have a little more will power to do the day to day things and a little less guilt and sadness over everything and nothing in particular. And its starting to build up. The joy I have for the things that give me joy. The courage I need for the things I need to do. Granted, I don't think I'm going to diet or exercise any time soon, but its definitely there. That inkling that things are different now; better. That hope that lasts more than a few minutes, or hours even. That idea that, even though there is still much to do and even much more to figure out, I am on the right track and things are going to be OK.

*-. Las penas saben nadar .-*

La inspiracion para escribir parece venir en los mejores o los peores momentos. Lo mas alto de la escalera o lo mas hondo del pozo. Hoy mando saludos desde el pozo. Se que soy mujer, pero parece poco natural ser una persona tan emocional. Todavia no se que pasara, pero si se que las cosas nunca van a ser iguales. Se muere algo que apenas habia nacido. "El principio del fin" suena muy dramatico pero es exactamente como veo las cosas en este momento. Anoche me emborrache. Trate de ahogar mis penas. Adivina que? Las penas saben nadar! El dolor de cabeza de esta maniana tambien vino con el recuerdo de las tonterias que dije ayer. Casualidad de la vida que no se me ocurrio llamarte. Hoy si te llame. Ni se para que. Quiza para decirte que el plan de visitarte, de despedirnos, no parece que va a darse. Como veo las cosas quizas nunca te vuelva a ver siquiera. Thanksgiving? Quien sabe. A lo mejor no me quieres ver tu.  Quien eres y de donde saliste. Al principio no te hice mucho caso. Lo 'cogi suave'. Cero presion, todo relax. Y poco a poco lo lograste. You crawled under my skin. Asi. Chin a chin. Ni cuenta me di.  Y aqui estoy, visitando mi media isla. Rodeada de amigos y familia y playa y gatos y sol y trafico y palmas. Y no logro escapar la sensacion de existir. Tan horrible.  Soy dramatica. Seguro exagero. Segurisimo. Habre visto demasiadas novelas? No quiero que te vayas. Tan lejos. No quiero que me dejes. Quiero ver en que se convierte lo nuestro. No quiero 'move on'. Hay que tomar el asunto paso a paso. Dia a dia. No quiero. Pero supongo que eso e lo que hay.

*-. unsolved .-*

I don't know why I feel so alone. Why it seems like there is some sort of void. And when faced with small things that can help me find a long term solution, I quickly dismiss them. Building a stronger self seems like some sort of unsurmountable obstacle. I'd like to give myself more credit for my accomplishments. Hold on to the things that are so dear to me, like family. Face some of my fears and have the strength to take that extra step. Stop feeling so guilty about everything that I do and don't do. What does it take.

*-. Pero na .-*

La verdad es que vivir fuera de Santo Domingo le da a uno una objetividad y perspectiva que jamas tuvo en lo que vivia aqui. Por lo menos es mi caso, especificamente en cuanto a las relaciones interpersonales y hasta cierto punto la sociologia -digamos- de los circulos sociales en los que me muevo. Me explico. Yo sabia que existe un alto nivel de hipocresia (no digo que yo nunca he sido hipocrita, no tiro la primera piedra...) y chisme. Pero ultimamente me pregunto, en un mundo de dobles intenciones, motivos escondidos, circulos de amigos con lios enredaisimos, gente que se abraza un dia y se acaba mutuamente el proximo, como identificar, y mas importante aun, mantenerse rodeado de personas 'de verdad'? Por un lado, le doy gracias a Dios (supreme being, higher power, energy, whatever) de si haber encontrado personas en las que puedo confiar full, de esas con las que voy a estar bebiendome una cervecita un domingo por la tarde a los 90 anios... De esas que uno llama a las 3am y puede llorar en el telefono sin tener que siquiera explicar por que... Por otro lado, me he dado cuenta que esto de chismes y lios no es exclusivo de mi persona. Tampoco que tengo yo un nivel de narcicismo tal que me creia el Sol, sino que en verdad pone mis pasadas dificultades en perspectiva, saber que to el mundo pasa por eso. Que si fulanito te saluda como un pana y habla mierda de ti, que si fulanita se le etrallo a tu ex, etc, etc etc etc. Sin decir que estas cosas me han pasado necesariamente o tirar puyas a nadie, simplemente se me ocurre que tengo suerte. De tener la edad y madurez para valorar las cosas importantes. Para saber que ahora es que me falta saber, y que cada interaccion con mi gente es una oportunidad de seguir aprendiendo keloke. ;)

*-. The quest/ions .-*

I'd like to say that, at some point, there comes a moment of enlightenment. A flash of wisdom, where part of the meaning is explained and our search has at least revealed its purpose, its goal. A point in time where we see things more clearly, and suddenly know what we need to do and how to do it. In truth, finding oneself is a lot like a marriage. There may be moments of romanticism when it seems that it all makes sense, but it also takes a lot of arduous work, day by day, to make it happen. Of course, I don't mean to imply in any way that there is simply red ribbon we need to cross and win the race. On the contrary, it is quite an exciting journey every step of the way. So I wish I could shed a little more light on the subject. I ponder about this subject often. What makes me happy today? How can I live a better life, be a better person? Fill the gaps in my soul and experience, breathe, enjoy? Know that I am doing my very best... Maybe it is the questions by themselves that drive us.

*-. Growing Pains .-*

A few months ago (last months of 2010) I found myself in a very uncertain place, which seemed like a neverending rollercoaster that had no end. Two big areas of my life (love life and job) were completely empty, with nothing signaling even a glimpse of what my future would hold. It seems then that 2011 symbolizes a new chapter. A new job, but also a new sense of who I am, what fulfills me, what I am working towards. Getting used to this single thing, trying to follow my own advice and learning, tough as it is, to just be with myself. The months flew by, and before you know it we are in Spring. Just in time, for the re birth of the Earth, and the re birth of this humble writer. So here we are, doing my best to work hard and do a good job, enjoying what Philadelphia has to offer, and trying, just trying, to put myself first.

*-. Recent reflexiones .-*

After dating dominicans, americans and europeans, I have started to see what are the things that I find myself needing in a mate. Some characteristics are culturally grounded, and are at the core of what it [basically] means to be from X, Y or Z. I am grossly generalizing, but I have become aware of distinct features that I'd like to find in a mate. On the one hand, there is -how the lady that does my nails at the salon here in Santo Domingo called it- "la chispa". Literally, the spark, it refers to a certain fire, desire to live fully and celebrate life. This can often be seen in dominicans, with their passion to laugh, dance and overall savor each moment in spite of the shortcomings of our piece of this island. Spontaneity, and a willingness to explore and try new things is somewhere in there as well. There is also, on the other hand, the humble and open minded traveler, who is willing to see beyond conventionalisms and absorb the world with open arms, through knowledge, culture and overall life experiences; with a willingness to embrace diversity in all its forms, while wanting to put their grain of sand in the betterment of some aspect of the World. Add a little salt in the form of the ability to be silly, and some pepper of liking cats, and i think we have found ourselves the perfect recipe!