*-. Pero na .-*

La verdad es que vivir fuera de Santo Domingo le da a uno una objetividad y perspectiva que jamas tuvo en lo que vivia aqui. Por lo menos es mi caso, especificamente en cuanto a las relaciones interpersonales y hasta cierto punto la sociologia -digamos- de los circulos sociales en los que me muevo. Me explico. Yo sabia que existe un alto nivel de hipocresia (no digo que yo nunca he sido hipocrita, no tiro la primera piedra...) y chisme. Pero ultimamente me pregunto, en un mundo de dobles intenciones, motivos escondidos, circulos de amigos con lios enredaisimos, gente que se abraza un dia y se acaba mutuamente el proximo, como identificar, y mas importante aun, mantenerse rodeado de personas 'de verdad'? Por un lado, le doy gracias a Dios (supreme being, higher power, energy, whatever) de si haber encontrado personas en las que puedo confiar full, de esas con las que voy a estar bebiendome una cervecita un domingo por la tarde a los 90 anios... De esas que uno llama a las 3am y puede llorar en el telefono sin tener que siquiera explicar por que... Por otro lado, me he dado cuenta que esto de chismes y lios no es exclusivo de mi persona. Tampoco que tengo yo un nivel de narcicismo tal que me creia el Sol, sino que en verdad pone mis pasadas dificultades en perspectiva, saber que to el mundo pasa por eso. Que si fulanito te saluda como un pana y habla mierda de ti, que si fulanita se le etrallo a tu ex, etc, etc etc etc. Sin decir que estas cosas me han pasado necesariamente o tirar puyas a nadie, simplemente se me ocurre que tengo suerte. De tener la edad y madurez para valorar las cosas importantes. Para saber que ahora es que me falta saber, y que cada interaccion con mi gente es una oportunidad de seguir aprendiendo keloke. ;)

*-. The quest/ions .-*

I'd like to say that, at some point, there comes a moment of enlightenment. A flash of wisdom, where part of the meaning is explained and our search has at least revealed its purpose, its goal. A point in time where we see things more clearly, and suddenly know what we need to do and how to do it. In truth, finding oneself is a lot like a marriage. There may be moments of romanticism when it seems that it all makes sense, but it also takes a lot of arduous work, day by day, to make it happen. Of course, I don't mean to imply in any way that there is simply red ribbon we need to cross and win the race. On the contrary, it is quite an exciting journey every step of the way. So I wish I could shed a little more light on the subject. I ponder about this subject often. What makes me happy today? How can I live a better life, be a better person? Fill the gaps in my soul and experience, breathe, enjoy? Know that I am doing my very best... Maybe it is the questions by themselves that drive us.

*-. Growing Pains .-*

A few months ago (last months of 2010) I found myself in a very uncertain place, which seemed like a neverending rollercoaster that had no end. Two big areas of my life (love life and job) were completely empty, with nothing signaling even a glimpse of what my future would hold. It seems then that 2011 symbolizes a new chapter. A new job, but also a new sense of who I am, what fulfills me, what I am working towards. Getting used to this single thing, trying to follow my own advice and learning, tough as it is, to just be with myself. The months flew by, and before you know it we are in Spring. Just in time, for the re birth of the Earth, and the re birth of this humble writer. So here we are, doing my best to work hard and do a good job, enjoying what Philadelphia has to offer, and trying, just trying, to put myself first.

*-. Recent reflexiones .-*

After dating dominicans, americans and europeans, I have started to see what are the things that I find myself needing in a mate. Some characteristics are culturally grounded, and are at the core of what it [basically] means to be from X, Y or Z. I am grossly generalizing, but I have become aware of distinct features that I'd like to find in a mate. On the one hand, there is -how the lady that does my nails at the salon here in Santo Domingo called it- "la chispa". Literally, the spark, it refers to a certain fire, desire to live fully and celebrate life. This can often be seen in dominicans, with their passion to laugh, dance and overall savor each moment in spite of the shortcomings of our piece of this island. Spontaneity, and a willingness to explore and try new things is somewhere in there as well. There is also, on the other hand, the humble and open minded traveler, who is willing to see beyond conventionalisms and absorb the world with open arms, through knowledge, culture and overall life experiences; with a willingness to embrace diversity in all its forms, while wanting to put their grain of sand in the betterment of some aspect of the World. Add a little salt in the form of the ability to be silly, and some pepper of liking cats, and i think we have found ourselves the perfect recipe!

*-. la isla bonita .-*

Going home usually means many things for me, most of all positive. The island itself, of course, is amazing; but it is the people in it that are truly to be given credit for making every time I come home really feel like i'm coming 'home'. My dear friends, that make a point of spending time with me, even if we have not talked for months. My family, that lets me know how they cherish dearly every second spent with me. And of course, there is all the fun. The beach and the sun, the neverending string of bars and 'lounges' that are constantly opening, the drinking and going out seven days of the week, the dancing: everything from reggaeton at Zambra to house at Encuentro and Shakira at Switch. This trip, this two-week-in-Santo-Domingo-trip that I get is more than a blessing; at some point it became a necessity. Because coming home also reminds me of who I am. I am a dominican woman, latina, caribena, who is truly blessed. I have many positive qualities, and people that appreciate them; people that love me for who I am and are all about positive energy. It reminds me that I am part of an amazing family, that is incredibly loving and supportive. That, whatever I decide to do with my future or wherever I decide to go, my island will be here, with its people and its bars and its traffic jams and its palm trees and its blackouts and its absolute chaotic charm; it will be here waiting for me, willing to receive me with open arms each time.

*-. Independent .-*

I threw out the flowers today. The ones you left that day you came to get your things. Oh, and I actually put clothes in that drawer that was then empty. I feel like I have more brain space too. More time to get my shit together, do laundry and pay bills and what not. Yet, I feel the inevitable. The emptiness. The loneliness. Accompanied with the strange feeling that, you are still with me. That the things you taught me, the support you provided, the love you felt -and still feel- for me, are the things that keep me going. I feel more confident. In myself. And I hope you feel more confident in yourself now too.

*-. el constante preguntar .-*

And lately I ask myself the big questions... who am I? where am I going? what do I want? how do I get there? how do I know when I get there? what is missing? And yet the search is what is meaningful at the end of the day. Answers change like the wind might. I wonder if its not questions, but rather just "the" question. What? is it that i'm looking for... and the quest continues, living the day to day.