*-. holiday gifts .-*

We always hear how people are ultimately happier giving than receiving. I understand the joy of giving. I try to make it my way of life, to help, to listen, to calm, to give back. And yet, too much of a good thing can't be good. Where are the boundaries? The eternal "woman problem" of worrying about everyone else and forgetting herself. Helping for me seems so natural. Almost like it is what I am supposed to be doing. It fills me with joy in my everyday life, it gives me fuel to continue. Of course, there's also the other coin: receiving too much. The typical "narcissist". And alas, we find that the key is in the balance. Why is it so hard for me to receive? You give me your trust, your smiles, your sweet words. And yet I continue to have difficulty receiving. Silly to doubt that I am deserving, and yet true. Help me accept. Absorb. Believe. And be proud. Of me.

*-. fear of... success? .-*

In this case, of success in a relationship. All those years of crap, disappointment, struggles, mistakes... and now I have this. I have you and I have now. Things are going great, at the right pace, with the right exchange of words and carinio. Your actions more than your words even let me know that you are there for me, and that we are giving this thing a try. Could it be real? It's almost like a daydream, and someone is gonna slap me and it's going to be over. Almost like if I don't hear from you, don't see you, you'll disappear into thin air. And it's not perfect. I mean, I keep having the usual daily struggles, job insecurity, stress, plans, to do list etc. etc... my life continues as usual. And yet, spending a night watching you play Quizzo (because I didn't know not even one of those answers) and joking about how our team is called "Donde Pollo?" (because I live across the street... get it! hehe) and having you try to sleep but end up coming back to embrace me in your arms... *sigh* please, please please i hope it lasts! :)

*-. the writer in me .-*

Sometimes it feels like i'm writing some sort of paperback self help book when I read back to entries of the blog. Reading even further, I used to write poems, short stories. I'd like to go back to that... we'll be making some efforts, and see what happens. to find the long lost calmness to reach the short term goal to entertain the idea of happiness to keep going on to improve at every step to give it your all to trust even if you've been broken to never stop trying; never stop learning never stop believing to live to love to fail to try again, and carry on

*-. maPs/mixed siGnals .-*

"i have to tell you something. I think I'm in love with you" . for a second, she held her heart in her hand. he hesitated. looked at her with... sadness even. "im scared to admit something like that... thank you" on a different day, in a different context and separate conversation, she noted "you know, my patience is like petroleum. you think it's always gonna be there, but someday we'll be depending on f*ing solar power. it's just gonna end".

*-. funny how time flies... .-*

A serendipitous first meeting. Talk talk talk... within a seductive, yet comfortable buzz. a tavern, a mexican place. A pool in the suburbs, art festivals, plays. Endless politically incorrect jokes... that every once in a while make me so angry I want to tickle you. Making me a part of your life... your secrets, your fears. My dramatic crisis filled with tears at your shoulders. For one weekend, it seems over. [Don't call me]. A second pseudo coincidence that, with a little push, again makes us closer. Clouds of doubt that slowly fade. Pieces of a past not forgotten, but that no longer interfere. "Yo hablo", you say, proud of having learned your limited fragments of spanish. I can't help noticing your million and one faces, your million and one freckles... i trace them like I would trace with my finger the stars of a constellation in the brightest of nights. Your cat knows me. My apartment recognizes you. I'm amused by all the points of convergence, as well as the thousand and one things we emphatically disagree on. Sci-fi, you say? No way! I have to smile. There is me. There is you. And there is the us where we are intertwined... smart conversations, humor, passion. All wrapped up with a hint of carino. " something happens and i'm head over heels. i never find out, till im head over heels. something happens ... don't take my heart, don't break my heart... don't throw it away" -Tears for Fears

*-. questions .-*

to let go... to move on... only 2 posts ago i wrote about this, seems like a recurring theme in my life this year we are creatures of habit, and we have a tendency to drag things on, even if they are not in our best interest. i see clients that could give drastic examples of being in a situation much too long... and yet, is it so hard to believe? i ask my clients to change this, do that, practice this, remember that... when i can't even manage to wake up at the time i'm supposed to every morning, after years and years of being embarrasingly late everywhere i go... i don't know i can sum up a simple solution, in a paragraph, in a blog. in a book or a poem even. i guess the questions are important. because i am one of those creatures of habit, who has a lot to learn still about what or who to hang on to... and who or when to let go...

*-. Lessons .-*

This blog usually follows my life. What's going on in it, and the latest life lesson. The fun thing about a blog following my growth as a person, is that there is one. A growth, that is. And it's not that things get easier (putting for a second aside the fact that i live a ridiculously privileged life). It's that somehow, my "toolbox for handling life crap" gets better equipped, more complex. There are certain things that have helped me a lot along the way. Weeding out the people that make me cry more than they make me smile... learning to be closer and find emotional (not just financial) support on my family... working hard doing what i love and getting closer to what i want... remembering how important my own health is... And who can forget, giving strangers sincere compliments... keeping up with such a small thing as cleaning my room and paying my bills on time... appreciating the small things in life... and being honest. With myself and the world. Each person needs to find their own to do's, their own ways to live a fulfilling life with the cards that we're each dealt with. I think I'm doing ok with that.